I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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