I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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