Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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