You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
