"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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