Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
