my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
