did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
