I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
