i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
