just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
