the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
