If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
