Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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