I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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