I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
