I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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