so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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