don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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