You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
