I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
