hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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