Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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