Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
