Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I need a beard to bite.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
