thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Randomize
