Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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