My liver just broke up with me...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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