i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
