Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
