3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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