Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
