using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
