I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize