my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
