Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast