I need help removing her.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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