I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
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I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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