i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
