I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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