I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
