yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
