Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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