someone threw a dead crab at me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no, he came in my armpit
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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