I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
