The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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