you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
