you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
