My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
