Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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