Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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