someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
