Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
