Whod you bang
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i dont even know how to be here
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Randomize
