I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
