The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
